One year, exactly one year had passed since the death of my twin. Today is the anniversary of Irelia's death.
I remember all the details like it happened yesterday. I should have died, not my twin Irelia. Every moment, everything was with her. We were Katarina and Irelia, an inseparable duo. I blame myself every day, her death was my fault. I should have died instead, everyone thinks so, and that's what I think. I can't sleep because I'm thinking about that day.
One year ago, I wanted to sneak out at night. Irelia didn't want to go out, but she did because I insisted so much. We shouldn't have gone out at all that night. We were in the winter season in America, it was October. The date was October 18. It was also my and Irelia's birthday that day. Irelia and I were the age we had always dreamed of. It was almost 5:00 in the morning. I was lying on my bed, the sun just looked new. It was cold, just like the day Irelia died. The quilts on me didn't warm me up. It cut ice in my soul, like my body. Sunlight began to illuminate my room. The solar lights were starting to catch my eye. Just like a car headlight, it was blinding. I wondered if Irelia felt the same way that day. How did it feel to see a car light of someone driving drunk while crossing the street? Was she scared when she pushed me over when I was in front of the car? I felt my face get wet, I cried again without realizing it.
‘’ Katarina, get out of bed, we'll get ready and go to the grave.’’, My mom said.
Her eyes were red. My mom must have been crying all night.
‘’ Okay, I'll get ready.’’, I said.
I got out of bed, got dressed, and went downstairs. I saw my mom, dad, and my best friend Elise in the downstairs lounge. I think it was better to call Elise an old close friend because she had not looked at me since Irelia died. Elise must have been hating me. Already Elise was closer to Irelia. There was a profound silence in the hall. It was my father who broke the silence,
‘’ Let's go…’’, my father sighed deeply.
‘’ Let's visit our little butterfly.’’, my father said with tears in his eyes.
We got in the car. I watched the street in the car. I had memories with Irelia all over.
The first way we rode a bike, the way we ran a running race, the park where we sat together and cried. It hurt me to remember the memories. We have arrived at the burial place. We went to Irelia's grave. The sun was illuminating the grave. There was snow everywhere, but it wasn't in Irelia's grave, the trees around it blocked the snow. As soon as my mother saw Irelia's grave, she started crying.
‘’ Irelia, my little butterfly, you're cold, aren't you? I know you don't like the cold. I brought you your favorite blanket.’’, my mother sobbed and said.
She took our baby blanket out of her bag and covered the grave of Irelia.
‘’ You're never gonna get up from there, are you? I can't do it without you. It hurts me every day not to hear your voice. I wish you'd open your beautiful blue eyes.’’, my mom said crying.
She could not go on with her words. She was looking lovingly at Irelia's grave. Suddenly, my mother and I saw eye to eye. She looked at me with disgust. I know, mom, I hate myself too. Mom went to the car. My father kissed her grave as if he were kissing the eyes of Irelia.
My dad went to the car. Elise and I stayed by Irelia's grave.
‘’ How can you continue living?’’, Elise asked.
‘’ You lost your friend, I lost my sister. Do you realize what you're saying?’’, I asked angrily.
‘’ You were the one who should have died. Your being sorry or regretting it won't bring Irelia back. I loathe you, you don't deserve to live.’’, Elise said.
I couldn't say anything. Elise was right.
‘’ Irelia, I feel sorry for you, you sacrificed yourself for the sake of a person who was not worth it. I miss you so much. Happy birthday, my dear friend.’’ Elise said later, she turned to me,
‘’I wish only Irelia was born, all you did was hurt her. I feel sorry for you.’’, Elise hated saying it by vomiting.
After, Elise also left, and I was left alone with my twin.
‘’Hello, dear sister. We were left alone again. I miss you putting my head on your knee and playing with my hair when I’m sad. I miss you, sister, I miss you so much.’’, after I said it, I started crying.
‘’I'm losing my mind without you. I see you everywhere, I have memories with you everywhere. Without you, I can't do it anywhere in this city, in our house, at school. Why didn't you let me die? You were always kind, even when you were dying. I’m sorry, I shouldn't have forced you that day. It's all my fault. Everyone hates me, I know they're right. I didn't want it to be like this, I wish I had died that day. Happy birthday, sister.’’, I said.
Later, I finished my sentences,and a very strong wind blew. Irelia must have been angry. She was probably trying to bring me to my senses.
‘’ Goodbye, sister’’, I said.
I went next to the car.
‘’ I'm going to walk home alone, you guys go.’’, I said.
‘’ Okay, I'll see you at home.’’, my dad said.
Mom and Elise hadn't even looked at my face. They didn't want me anyway.
I walked to the place where Irelia died.
It was getting colder as I walked. I could smell Irelia's floral perfume but as I continued to walk, the scent of Irelia’s floral perfume turned into the smell of Irelia’s blood. I have goose bumps. I was right where Irelia died right now. I couldn't move. I collapsed on the floor without realizing it. I was just looking at the floor. I felt like I could see the trace of Irelia's blood.
‘’ I’m sorry Irelia, I’m so sorry, my sister.’’, I screamed.
A bright light came into my eye but I still couldn't move. A car was approaching me, just like that day. The person driving the car probably didn't see me. So this was how Irelia felt. I felt all my bones break when I was under the car. It hurt, it hurt a lot, but I was happy.
‘’ I’m coming to meet you, sister.’’, I said with my last tears.
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